As I’ve begun to live on my own and become my own person, I’ve noticed something about myself. I have a hard time finding the meeting point between being who I want to be and being like other people. Often times I over-criticize myself, comparing myself to others and what they do. I tell myself I should be like them, act how they act, be like them. I see traits in people that I want to adopt into my life, whether it’s being active, eating right, or just how they act. Then, when I can’t do these things I get really angry with myself; I feel ashamed of myself. I want to be my own person, but I can’t find a way to effectively become that person. Now more so than ever, I’ve really been thinking about myself, on a regular basis. Maybe I shouldn’t try to change? Constantly, these thoughts are running through my head. Over examining things and over thinking simple things; all the time. It drives me insane. Take this blog for example. I want to get better a writing, and expressing myself, so I look to professional writers and bloggers and see how they do it. Then, I look at my work, and see how feeble it is compared to theirs, I get angry with myself. Why can’t I write like them? Why can’t I express myself like they can?
I do this with everything.
I need to learn how to be patient in learning and growing, instead of demanding change instantly. Change isn’t going to come in one day. It takes time. I tell myself this, and then get frustrated when it doesn’t happen quickly, and then I give up. Sometimes I feel that my head is going to explode from having all of these thoughts in it. I just need to clear my mind; forget about the world for a little bit.
I really do enjoy writing these blogs, for this very reason. It gives me a source to vent all of this stuff. Even if no one reads it, it helps me. A lot of people have never heard me talk like this before. I want to be able to talk about these things to people, and this is the start, I guess.
I got pretty personal on this one, haha. As always, thanks for reading, I really appreciate for those of you who do 🙂
Happy February 1st! Till next time,